So I'm standing in the crazy line at the post office, waiting my turn to choose between the madonna and the nutcracker. The wait was long, I didn't feel like standing, and I was not in a happy mood. Said mood was exacerbated by two very obnoxious old women (okay, my age) fussing and fuming about the latest rise in the price of stamps and how much it costs to send someone a Christmas card.

It's a really good thing that I'm such a nice person, or my mood might have encouraged me to embark on a "Granny has spoken" lecture right then and there. Instead, I consoled myself by reminding myself that I could come home and blog. If you're one of those two women in line, I sure hope you accidentally floated into Granny's House tonight. Because here's what I'd like to have asked you today:

Excuse me, Mrs. Smith. I have this piece of card stock here and I'm putting it in an envelope, and I need to get it to a friend in another state. I was wondering if you might take it for me? The thing is, I really need to get it there before the end of the week, and I need it taken right to her house on the east coast. What? Oh, maybe 1600 miles or so...I don't know. Just be careful, because she doesn't live in a very good part of town, and so she has a really big, sort of mean dog to protect her, and the dog sort of gets carried away with strangers. And...uh...I guess you'd also better be prepared for some really bad weather because I saw on the Internet that there's a major hurricane headed that way. And there's kind of a blockade on the freeway right now as emergency vehicles are piling up just in case.


Oh, and one other thing. I'm not totally sure if she's moved or not, so if you get there and some new guy is in the house, could you please just go ahead and take it on to whatever address he says she's moved to? Yeah, I think she was planning to move to Seattle or somewhere. And you know, if you get there and still can't find her, just go ahead and bring it back to me. Can you leave it under the mat at my front door--my address is on the envelope, right here. Sorry, it's a bit smudged but I think you get the idea.


I sure appreciate this, Mrs. Smith. I know it's a whole lot of trouble, but I am willing to pay you for your time and expenses.


What's that?


Oh. Uh....wait let me see how much I've got with me.....hey, how's $.42?


[And folks, don't even get Granny started by trying to lecture me about how our tax money is also going to support the post office. I don't like the whole system either. But these women are talking about the blasted rise from .41 to .42 this summer....like they're being squeezed dry. For heaven's sake, ladies, then send an email with a smiley face on it! And God bless America!]

hat tip: the two women with no life

Labels: Theater of the Absurd